I hear more and more about blogging everyday. In fact I used to do a lot of journaling long ago but those days disappeared when I hardly had time to think about myself or my life. But now that I've been away from work more than 6 months and though life is still chaotic, I'm doing everything I can to dig in me and discover parts of me that have been buried.
I keep thinking that if I start doing more reflecting I might find a bit more calm in my life. I make it sound like my life is out of control. I wouldn't exactly say its out of control. In fact I think I manage and juggle all my responsibilites fairly well, its just that there could surely be more organization to my chaos.
In fact S and I talked about that today. Our society is so caught up in the mad rush of everyday living that we often struggle to keep up. I'll admit I myself have frequent battles with this. I've never been one to enjoy the million and one tasks that must be accomplished to get by or in many cases, the million and one norms that we must adhere to if we are to "be successful". There is this constant battle within me between what I have to do to be successful by our culture's standards and wanting to say "Who cares! This isn't what happiness is really about." I am reminded of my interview for an internship position just yesterday. I sat in front of these people trying to decide do I answer how I really feel or do I feed them lines and hope those lines meet their standards...and when I say "their standards," I mean the person, the organization, the society, etc. Often what you're up against is the person's standards and their understanding of the organization's philosophy, not necessarily the actual philosophy of the organization. And then it reminds me of another place I've worked where I never understood the administrations understanding of the organization's philosophy. Ultimately I left the job because I couldn't agree with this interpretation of the philosophy.
But I think the broader issue is that its only these certain voices of power that are heard that determine what is good and successful and the rest of us are left to decide whether to buy into it or garner our own power and advocate for something different. Clearly there is much to consider in whatever decision we make and at certain points in our lives. Some days I want to use my power and other days I barely have enough energy and it leaves me giving the system exactly what it wants. And I am left feeling empty.
